So here I am, sitting in this beautiful cabin on the banks of Loch Lomond, tapping away on Mark's iBook (the cabins are all fitted with wirless broadband). We're here to celebrate the big man's 40th birthday and spend some time relaxing in the highlands.
We've not even been here 48 hours yet and already I've done two six mile runs, swam in the Loch twice, had a couple of hot tubs, a bath, a massage, a sauna, bounced on the trampoline, been on a boat trip around the nature reserve, cooked a big breakfast for the crew, eaten crisp sandwiches, drunk copious amounts of alcohol, watched hawks hover, swallows swoop, wag tails wobble and the satellites spinning overhead in the night sky. I've lain on the floor to watch the milky way overhead and seen my stars (Leo) for only the second time in my life.
I don't feel as if I've done anything at all.
If I didn't have my lady love at home half sanded and unpainted I'd seriously think about packing it all in and staying here.
I feel good.
I feel me.
Cheers!
Tunes: xx: xx
I've been a little hasty in my reactions to recent situations. I'm constantly and wonderfully surprised by said party's ability to resolve such crises in a sensible and human manner. Plus life's looking up for the big fella and you can't wish anything more than for your friends' lives to take a turn for the better, especially when they've been in darkness for so long. Looks like I'm still going to be spending the August bank holiday sitting in a hot tub on the banks of Loch Lomond.
My reactions make me realise that I'm still somewhat frazzled by recent ructions at home. But sitting on Chufy's nose this morning, watching the baby coots lined up, balancing on Jenny's mooring rope as their parents fed them was a wonderful tonic. Something I definitely needed.
I always make a fuss about confusing needs and wants. Most of what we say we need we don't. Life isn't going to stop without them. I don't need a bright shiny new 20" iMac. I'm not going to wither away and fall apart if I don't get one. I do, however, really really really want one.
On the other hand I do need a massive hug that lasts for at least an hour, to immerse myself completely in water and a shag!
Last night I stood on Chuffy's nose in the silence and stillness with only the gentle spray of the rain disturbing the calm waters of the river.
And I wondered why my friends currently seem to be falling out with the 'family' groups and ending up at my place as a final place of refuge.
So as of this evening I have a new house guest for a while.
John, one of my developers, handed his notice in yesterday. Kind of throws a spanner in the work works as well. Although I'm really pleased for him as it's a great step forwards.
It would be safe to say that on the whole yesterday sucked.
I've never done this before but when I arrived home I sat on the bed and just shouted obscenities for a minute or so, grateful for my neighbours double glazing on one side and deafness on the other.
It did feel good I must say.
Tunes: REM: New Adventures In Hi-Fi
Until you make one!
Tunes: Soul Asylum: Grave Dancers Union
We'd all hoped that time and distance might have softened the tensions that have beset home recently. It was not to be. One party returned from the West to stay for a week or two, one (the one that almost gets forgotten because of the other two) was at home in Norway and the other working most daylight hours. All good. No one around = no direct tension.
That was until Sunday. It had been such a lovely day, time spent with family and a few folks around. All it took was a 15 second phone call; one party reacted selfishly and stupidly to the news that the other was on the boat. I'm not sure if I'm impressed or disappointed at my reaction. What I did was to speak to both parties, separately, and inform them, as gently as you can inform someone that they're being a total cunt, of how I and the others felt. I knew that feelings would be hurt but what I wanted to do was to drag them both into the same room, scream at them with absolutely no hint of mercy, decency or restraint for their feelings and then beat the living shit out of them both until I was too tired to do any more damage and feed their still breathing remains to the fish.
Now, no-one expected any friendships to be restored but we'd all hoped that at least the people concerned might have managed to be adult enough to be able to stand in the same space together and remain civil. There are enough unnecessary conflicts* raging across the world today without some pointless spat adding to the global mess.
Watching two grown men circle each other, avoiding each other, constantly keeping watch through open doors and windows waiting for a safe time to move has been one of the most depressing things I think I've ever had the misfortune to be a part of. Their pathetic claims that no-one else was meant to be involved shows either gross stupidity or egomania bordering on the psychotic. I have lost a great deal of respect for two men who've both had, until recently, a significant and positive effect on my life and thinking. Their stupid pride that led to both saying it was the other who had to back down is nothing but childish in the extreme. If we all had guns everyone on the mooring would probably be dead by now.
As I look back on the past two months I question my own actions, reactions and decisions and wonder whether my silence was complicit in how things turned out and how I've felt. And I believe to some degree it is. I explained to Annie that it was she who taught me that you stand by your friends no matter what,. She looked at me, smiled sweetly and said with absolutely no hint of irony: "Perhaps I was wrong!" Had I had the courage of my convictions would matters be better or worse? We'll never know.
As is stands now is that one party returned suddenly to the west, never to return until the other is gone and the situation is therefore 'resolved'. Not my word...
Not the word I would use at all.
I still believe that we should judge our own humanity and that of those around us based upon our words and how far they fall from our actions. But also that in doing so we ALL fall short. And I know that mine fall far short on a daily basis (fuck it, I'll even write you a list if you want). Therefore our judgments should be always be tempered by humility and understanding, by education and by forgivness, by love and by compassion for all things. For surely to do anything but is to give into the darkness.
"So unforgiving yet needing forgivness first"
Let this be the end of it.
*All conflicts are unnecessary. To go to war shows a complete failure of society, civilisation, humanity and spirituality. To condone in any way the loss of civilian life (and by condone I mean to do nothing to stop it) is to show how far back in the primordial soup we've regressed. I'm reminded, with all the horrors that appear on the news every day, of a friend of a friend who returned from Baghdad so appalled at the humanitarian crisis there that they said the only way for the 2 B- boys to atone for the situation they'd helped create was to publicly commit suicide. I'd add the insurgent leaders to that list. Plus those who are lobbing shells at innocent civilians on both sides of the Lebanese border and and and... They're all the same, playing power games with pain and suffering.
Tunes: Pearl Jam: Marker In The Sand (From the album Pearl Jam)
